There is a state that from the outside does not read as trouble at all: a woman is doing well, she is valued, she has results, and inside it is empty and swinging from side to side. I lived through this at the peak of my early career and later took it apart piece by piece.
Layers over the real thing
We women have a very beautiful quality inside us. I would call it real feminine energy. But over it lie many layers of a pretending, a borrowed feminine energy, where women pretend, projecting some unreal woman, the one they think a woman is supposed to be. Simply using that energy to manipulate, not very cleanly and not very honestly, because she wants to get what seems necessary to her.
And I was like that too. When I was a young woman, twenty-three, twenty-four, I was exactly the same.
The price of trying to be liked
The fire of my passion was awakened, absolutely. But how did I express it in life? I used my charming energy on stage. And despite all my success as a singer, it made me personally, as a human being, as a woman, as unhappy as possible.
Because that kind of betrayal of your own energy is always an attempt. An attempt to be liked, an attempt to be noticed, an attempt to be loved, an attempt to be recognised.
It drains a woman very heavily. It makes her as unstable as possible, emotionally among other things.
The swings that grow along with the success
The most unpleasant thing about this scheme is how it behaves over time. The more you develop, the more your energy field expands, the more the instability shows itself.
I was fairly successful at it. And so the swings got bigger every time. The bigger my success, the bigger the scale of those emotional swings.
Because my main goal in life was, naturally, to be liked, to achieve, to be realised. That was a great deal of effort instead of softness and trust.
Alongside it something else lived in me. My calling and the call of my soul were, of course, much more about healing people through my voice. And I wrote that down when I was seventeen, on a scrap of paper, not even knowing myself what I was writing. But my musical path, my path as a public person, led me into that thicket of success where you start slightly betraying yourself. And my deep pain from that betrayal brought me to a state of completely losing myself.
The question asked out loud
The turn came at the moment I asked the question directly.
My question was this: where did I go off my path? I was calling out to that primordial feminine spirit and to the earth. Show me why I am so lost. Why, in spite of my life, so decorated, I am lost.
And I felt a connection with that primordial beginning that I had never felt before. It was as if the answer came to me inside myself. Because my voice, you see how it works: it works not only for other people, it works for me as well.
Following my voice, I came out of the world of egoism and emotional imbalance and landed in that centre where I felt myself to the fullest. As if my body dissolved, as if all my limitations dissolved, all my emotional swings dissolved, and my body filled with a feeling of love and gratitude. That real kind of love.
What follows from this for any woman
The story looks like a rare mystical experience, and the practical conclusion from it is entirely everyday.
While a woman's energy goes on being liked, being noticed and getting recognition, success will bring her more and more instability. The turn begins with an honest question to yourself: where did I go off my path and what is my strength actually going into.
That was when my rebirth truly happened. But feeling it does not mean mastering it, it is only a first acquaintance. After that came years in which practices for other women were assembled out of that experience.
Success built on the attempt to be liked takes exactly as much as it gives. So the question about your own path is worth asking before your strength runs out.
And if you want to understand where your life is actually calling you and stop spending yourself on other people's expectations, take Peruquois's course How to Hear and Follow the Voice of Your Calling, you will find it on the website under Courses.
Peruquois
A top World Music performer in Australia, musician, composer, author and facilitator of self-development trainings for women.
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