Intimacy today is discussed in metrics. How many times a week, how long it lasts, what counts as normal for a couple ten years in. A woman reads that, measures her own life against it, and concludes that something is wrong with her. On what separates love from physiological contact, Peruquois, a top World Music performer in Australia, a musician, composer, author and facilitator of personal development trainings for women.
The distinction that rarely gets said out loud
Peruquois separates love from physiological contact aimed at reaching orgasm. Love she describes differently: “it is more a process of mutual, you could say, energetic inner activation, where you give yourself, you receive the other person.”
The key word there is mutual. In the first case there is an action and a result that was either achieved or not. In the second there is a merging, and it takes time.
The image she uses comes from physics.
There is the digital world, where zero and one exist. It clicked, it fired, the one was delivered, and that is the end of it.
And there is the analog process. When you switch on a light, the lamp does not reach full brightness instantly: there are milliseconds of transition, the light rises, then dips a little, then gathers again. It lives as a wave.
Love is built on the second principle. It rises gradually, it has crests and troughs, and trying to get all of it at once destroys the possibility itself.
Why ready-made rules do not work here
Peruquois is calm about formalizing intimacy and simply names its limits.
Formalization is excellent where you are dealing with something logical. A bank account, a schedule, agreements about money. There the rules protect both people.
Intimacy is built differently, and here she says it plainly: this is something very fragile, very tender, that cannot be forced and cannot be stimulated. It is a deep sensual opening and a surrender. Formalizing material like that only kills the process.
Hence her attitude to ready-made schemes. Plenty of advisers hand out rules and requirements: how long foreplay should last, how long the act, how often it should happen, once a week, once a day. To Peruquois this is beside the point, because the task of a couple is different. The task is to open a deeper state, and for that you need energy in which you give.
This is where the line runs between two different things that go by one word.
When a person comes to intimacy with the demand to be pleasured, they come to take. The other one is left serving, and no number of techniques will remove the feeling of service.
When a person comes to give, a completely different mechanism switches on. Peruquois says it is very important to give space so that this energy can open. Space appears when nothing is demanded of you and nothing is expected.
And one more condition she names separately: the feeling of abundance. When you feel you have something to share, spontaneity, playfulness and unpredictability arrive, which is exactly what couples spend years looking for and try to schedule into existence.
What follows from this for a woman
First. If intimacy in a couple feels shallow, the cause rarely lies in technique. More often both came to take, each with a private list of expectations.
Second. Slow is normal. A woman's body opens in a wave, and that wave has its own tempo, which no amount of coaxing or trying will speed up.
Third. The feeling of falling short of somebody's norm comes from applying a digital view to an analog process. Where quantity is measured, depth cannot be.
Time as a condition of the process
Love between two people rises the way light rises, and there is nothing unfortunate about that. It asks for time because that is how the process of mutual inner activation is built. A couple who understands this stops rushing itself and fairly soon discovers an entirely different quality of closeness.
If you want to understand where you have real love and where you simply have the next relationship in line, take Peruquois's course Calling True Love to Your Life.
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